Reckoning with Yourself, First
It has been an interesting time of life. Seemingly, every week, there has been something for me to navigate emotionally or something that has required reflection. This last week was no different. I’ve spent countless hours thinking through what was learned, and sorting through themes, and lessons to share. Navigating my feelings and emotions to ensure I respond and not just react in the moment. I’m not here just to tell my story; I hope these reflections help you feel more connected to yourself and the people around you.
A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.
-The Dalai Lama
When I say, this quote changed my life, it is not a platitude. In 2013, I had the opportunity to see The Dalai Lama speak in person. I took the day off and drove five hours to Atlanta with a friend who had an extra ticket. I am not sure what I was hoping to hear, but I was excited to hear something that would maybe take root, something I could bring home with me. The moment I heard this quote spoken, I knew it was for me.
I am a poet and spoken word artist. Back then, I was hosting one of the largest poetry slams in North Carolina, The Marquis Slam, and performing in poetry events nationwide. But, I was struggling with my craft. Poetry has always been a huge part of my life. Introduced to me as a way to cope and as a way to process my emotions. It is incredibly personal and, at that time, I wasn’t ready to be that transparent on a stage in front of strangers and I definitely wasn’t ready for my story to be judged and scored. My writing became these thematic dramatizations of events I had been aware of but never experienced. I created this immense chasm between myself and the subjects of my poetry, which was the opposite of what it had always been. No matter how clever the metaphors I built were, it lacked authenticity. I was always telling someone else’s story and never my own.
The quote forced me to confront the parts of myself I was trying to compartmentalize. I didn’t trust myself to war with my demons in front of an audience, and I believed my healing, and development as sacred, and not to be monetized for social capital or financial gain. I was writing for slams, and performances, no longer for me. I lost my way, and my connection to myself. Poetry had always been a gateway for personal exploration and for that to happen it had to be an authentic experience.
The quote became the beginning of a poem called, Self. It reads like an internal conversation about not being honest with myself. It was admitting to myself, “I am so close to broken, so fragile”, yet also, “...nothing but fearless imagination and all kinds of never quit- a hard glowing fist full of my grandmother's grace”. When I first read the poem aloud, tears crawled down my face. To say it was cathartic feels disingenuous. It was so much more; it was a moment of finally seeing myself in my entirety. As if, I shed a mask I hadn’t even realized I was wearing.
Writing that poem gave me permission to be authentic, vulnerable and transparent. It showed me how valuable my story was and still is. Poetry, once again, became a practice of processing and helping me understand my emotions. I’ve learned it is impossible to grow and to evolve without being completely transparent with yourself first. This means being honest with yourself, being introspective, holding yourself accountable, understanding and communicating your needs, and being open to feedback and willing to self correct. Transparency is no skill, it is an ethic, a practice we must cultivate single everyday.
In each of our lives, there will be moments to reckon with the parts of ourselves that we have hidden, or parts we are unwilling to own. We can choose to lie to ourselves or we can find the strength to be honest, and hold ourselves accountable, setting the stage for growth. It all begins with transparency.
Remember, The Journey is the Destination