For Ourselves and Others

Lately, I have been playing this strategy game on my phone called Twisted Tangle. The goal is to untangle a group of ropes on the screen, with limited spaces available to move the ends of each rope.  Every level becomes progressively more challenging.  The game requires a willingness to step back to make progress.  On the tougher levels,  it restricts the places to move the ends of the rope even more and forces you to be patient and strategic to complete the level. There’s also a timer that feels inappropriate for the level complexity. I play periodically when I need to pass some time or if I have a lot I’m thinking through. Yesterday, while traveling and playing; I realized how much this game mirrors life. Just like the game, we are all navigating our unique challenges, each with its own set of limitations.

Currently, I am working through a new level in my own life: building a successful business and finding ways to serve others in a competitive industry. Finding creative ways to share my story, my experiences, and my skill set to attract the right clients.  I’m testing new ideas, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and maintaining discipline while trying to build momentum daily. Continuously reminding myself that consistency is key. 

Then, on Friday October 18, 2024, all the momentum stopped; I experienced an unexpected loss in my family. When I heard the news there were no tears, but there was this weight, this heaviness all around me.  I told myself, I’d give myself a day to process, to remember, to be free of all of my expectations, and to grieve. That day turned into eight.  At that moment, I didn’t realize I needed the time. I kept trying to be proactive, productive, and get back to work, but I couldn’t focus on anything. I tried writing this blog on another topic, but the words would never string together. I didn’t expect the grief to linger with me as long as it did.  So many thoughts about life; how finite it is, how precious it is, and how every moment could be your last. Questioning even more about my choice to build this business now and past choices I’ve made. Reflecting on family, especially my father, who has lost his mother, father, and now his big brother. I have seen that man, my father, be everything for everyone no matter what he has been trying to detangle; and in that way, I’ve always followed in his footsteps. This past week I witnessed him allow time for himself, set boundaries, cry, and give grace to everyone and himself. It was a reminder in real time on giving grace to others and myself. For the past week, I’ve been hard on myself for not checking anything off my daily to-do list and losing my consistency.

We are all working to solve our problems, overcome challenges, and just make progress in our unique ways. We are all trying to cultivate a willingness to take a step back so we can move forward. We are all having to be patient and figure out what’s in front of us before we can keep going. Sure, our day to day looks different and we all have different goals, but we all could use some grace from ourselves and others. Many of us are navigating so much more than just work or family responsibilities.  We are navigating loss, trauma, fear, caregiving responsibilities, food insecurities, mental illness, and so much more.  Often, we are too hard on ourselves. Give yourself grace.

Here are a few practices than can help extend grace to ourselves and others:

1. Gratitude

Gratitude is the practice of intentionally recognizing and appreciating the positive aspects of life, regardless of circumstances. Research shows that focusing on gratitude can increase resilience, improve mental health, and deepen our connection with others. By regularly identifying things we’re thankful for, we train our minds to shift focus from stressors to sources of joy and support. This mindset fosters a compassionate attitude toward ourselves and others, allowing us to approach challenges with more patience and grace.

2. Having Compassion for Yourself and Others

Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you’d offer a friend. This approach doesn’t mean avoiding accountability; rather, it allows us to recognize mistakes without self-criticism, which promotes a healthy sense of growth. Extending compassion to others involves understanding their struggles and behaviors within the context of their experiences, fostering empathy. This approach nurtures a supportive environment that values effort and humanity over perfection.

3. Acknowledging Our Humanity

Recognizing our shared humanity involves accepting that everyone, including ourselves, is imperfect and bound to make mistakes. This acknowledgment allows us to view setbacks as part of life rather than personal failures, easing the pressure of self-blame. Embracing our humanity enables us to connect more deeply with others by normalizing vulnerability, which is key to giving and receiving grace. When we accept our imperfections, we pave the way for a more compassionate and understanding perspective.

4. Be Kind to Yourself

Practicing self-kindness is a foundational element of self-care and grace. This involves not only speaking kindly to ourselves but also prioritizing activities that promote well-being and calm. Self-kindness counters our inner critic, allowing us to reframe mistakes as learning opportunities rather than evidence of inadequacy. By treating ourselves with gentle encouragement and patience, we foster an inner environment where growth and resilience can thrive, equipping us to better extend kindness to others.

In life, we’re all moving through levels of tangled challenges, learning as we go.  It’s important for us all to allow ourselves and others grace along our journey.  After all, even the toughest knots can be loosened with patience, compassion, and kindness.

Remember, The Journey is the Destination

Getting Back up

I had intentions of sharing something different, but life happens and this felt more relevant. 

Some say I'm an adrenaline junky, but I’ve called myself a Flow Chaser ever since I read “The Rise of Superman” by Stephen Kotler. In the book, he explores the science of “Flow”, which is a state of consciousness where people perform at their highest level.  The book draws on over a decade of research and interviews athletes like Laird Hamilton, Jeremey Jones, and Danny Way.   For me, it provided a deeper level of understanding of myself and who I have been for all of my life. I have been in a constant search of flow, because of how it made me feel and how it positively impacted other aspects of my life.  I’m not going to go too deep but I want to give some context before continuing.  Flow requires a challenge.  Usually, tasks are 4% more difficult than a person’s current skill set.  Flow also happens in stages: struggle, release, flow, and recover.  Finally, flow can be applied to different aspects of life. Flow is that “runner’s high” or when folks say they’re in the ”zone”. I have always described it as unconscious hyper focus.  But, as with most things in life, there is an obstacle that must be overcome before you can reap the benefits. Struggle, it is paramount for so many things in life.  It comes before success, innovation, results, completion, and flow. It is a norm.  That means other norms have to be, doing it again, trying harder, or getting back up. 

This past weekend, I was in Utah mountain biking right outside of Park City.  It was a tough ride and the first 3 miles covered about 1000 ft elevation gain.  I was exhausted and honestly I didn’t prepare properly for the ride.  I didn’t eat enough prior or bring enough water to safely sustain in the heat.  There was a moment where I realized those factors didn’t matter.  My mind became clear, the pain in my body subsided, and I became hyper-focused.  Flow could sustain me for the remainder of the ride, but I would have to pay the cost of pushing my body beyond its limits.  I have learned to exit and re-enter flow, partly because there are moments I have to make the right decision for the situation. This particular situation needed me to make the decision of turning around because I lacked the resources, food and water, to continue.   My friend and I decided to turn around.  The ride back was epic.  Almost four miles of downhill single track trail. I was in the zone and periodically I would jump out to make sure my friend was good.  On one occasion, I looked back, hit a rock, over compensated and flipped my bike off the trail.  My friend said all they saw was my bike in the air going off the side of the trail.  For visual purposes, this trail was on the side of a small mountain. The right side of the trail went up and the left side went down, and in some places it was steeper than others.

I went over the handlebars and landed flush on my back.  I don’t know if I was in shock.  I was very conscious the entire time.  Initially, I didn’t move.  I had to do a quick inventory of my body.  My friend asked repeatedly if I was ok. I didn’t answer.  I sat up, and again checked in with my body before I stood up and got my bike back to the trail.  I finally responded to let them know I was ok. I was hurt, and my ego took a hit, but I got back on the bike and finished the ride. 

Moments like this have a similar cadence in different areas of my life.   I have become very efficient at getting up, and dusting myself off.  Firstly, I’ve always pushed myself beyond my skill set, so I understand falling is possible. Secondly, I understand that falling is not failure.  Just because I fall doesn’t mean it’s over and it also doesn’t diminish all the effort I put in or the distance I have covered. Thirdly, practice makes progress. Resilience is cultivated over time and practiced.  You have to learn how to fall and learn the best way for you to get back up. 

Here is my four-step process for getting back up:

1. Acceptance

The first step in bouncing back from any setback is to accept what has happened. It’s easy to get caught up in disappointment or frustration, but acceptance allows you to release the emotional weight tied to it. Resistance only prolongs suffering. Acceptance opens the door to healing. Remind yourself that setbacks are part of the journey, and embracing them helps you grow and move forward effectively.

2. Inventory the Moment

Once you’ve accepted the situation, take a moment to reflect on what happened. This is your opportunity to learn. What went wrong? What factors were within your control, and what weren’t? Inventory the lessons without judgment or blame—this is about gaining insight, not criticism. By understanding the moment and the events that led to the setback, you empower yourself with knowledge to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future.

3. Mentally Prepare

Before diving back in, take time to mentally reset. Visualize yourself overcoming the obstacle, and set a positive, resilient mindset. Preparing mentally means refocusing on your goals with renewed determination. Remind yourself of your past successes and inner strength. Practice affirmations like, “I am capable of overcoming this challenge,” and imagine yourself succeeding despite the previous setback.

 4. Start Again

Now that you’ve accepted the setback, taken inventory, and mentally prepared, it’s time to act. Starting again doesn’t mean picking up exactly where you left off—it’s about making adjustments and moving forward with the lessons learned. Take small, intentional steps toward your goal, and focus on progress rather than perfection. Each step, no matter how small, moves you forward. Remember, resilience is built through persistence, and every time you start again, you’re stronger than before.

For me, this process is undefeated. Whether it’s flying over handlebars or facing a layoff, these four steps have consistently helped me process and move forward more quickly and efficiently. Over the years, people have often asked how I’ve bounced back so fast, and honestly, it wasn’t until I landed on my back that I found the words to explain it. Getting back up is about having a plan in place for when you fall; it gives you the confidence to take risks and challenge yourself.

Remember, The Journey is the Destination.